Wrong Words, Part Two

Wrong Words, Part Two

     As I mentioned a while ago, I’m taken in  by words, and I especially like offbeat usages. Often I’ll read a word or phrase that’s just plain not correct, but funny. I keep a running list of the best (worst?) ones.

         A letter-writer insisted she had to get in her “two sense worth” on the  subject. I’m not sure which of her senses she meant. The topic was heated; perhaps she meant touch, and taste?

        The same writer said, “farbeit for me to interfere...” I’m not sure what a farbeit is, but she did go on to interfere, with gusto. She concluded with, “if this is not fixed, it will happen moor and moor off in.” Suddenly, we’re into geology.

    Perhaps, as I read in a novel, she just had “a skewered view of things.” I love skewered foods; I wrote a whole book on edibles prepared on a stick. In this case, I don’t think she meant impaled. More likely, off kilter, as in skewed. 

Another novel talked about the crime scene being secured, “for all intensive porpoises.” As opposed to the casual ones? And did you hear about the camping sea mammals? Yup, a call went out to "all in tents and porpoises."

        A character said she was so scared, she “had an outer body experience.”  I’m not sure what that looks like, or, again, what the opposite might be.

        In the same novel, an enraged character “emitted a scream of furry over a problem even she couldn’t phantom.”  A cute little furry scream sounds adorable, but not if a phantom’s on scene. I'd scream, too.

         Later on, I read in a tabloid, “He’s diluted if he thinks that!”  Really, that’s a risk? If we think certain things, we can be watered down?

      A man in a novel I read had a “sorted passed,” but really, what can you expect from a guy who has a Southern brawl and wears denim overhauls.

        A leader was written up as having a “lazy fare” style of leadership, which has more to do with lunch than power.  

       In a court transcript, a young recorder transcribed the lawyer’s description of the plaintiff as being a “pre-Madonna.” Not quite!

       In the same transcript, a professor “got her ten-year at the university.” That’s a very long degree, and I somehow doubt the transcriptionist had the same education.

        I’ve read several times about angry people getting their gander up. I, too, have a flashpoint temper, but I never feel like waking a goose over it.

       Some of the funny things that catch my eye have to do with positioning, such as putting  the cat before the horse, developing a pier-to-pier network, a fog so thick the man can’t see his hand in front of his foot, and rockets that jettison us through time and space. Ouch!

          A man wrote the person he was interviewing “was very nervous and kept covering his hands with his mouth." If nothing else, that’s awkward.

        Foodstuffs find their way into wrong-word lists, such as a team of horses that’s evenly yolked, finding a leek under the sink again, and having a rye sense of humor. Cheese grader is a legitimate job description, but what’s it doing in the utensil drawer?

         Some  are simple misspellings that change the meaning quite completely. A teen who pours over the textbooks has a mess to clean up. An admiring man who puts a woman on a pedal stool had better be prepared to help pedal. Wealthy folk often have access to better medical care, but are they the only ones who are well healed? 

          "Manner" and "manor" seem to cause a problem, every time. I can understand “to the manner born” because I believe in etiquette, but does my necklace have more value because it was “packaged in a manor”?    

      I read an article that referenced a local "flee market". I don't like them, but I'm not that melodramatic. Or fast.

        How did the bad guy get away? “Must have had an accomplish” makes sense; had he failed, there’d have been no getaway at all.

        A colleague, told about a problem, mused, "I'll have to put my thinking tap on," which makes good sense for initiating the flow of solutions, right?

        A man in a book confessed to being a secret "drug attic.” Wow, I’d like that kind of space.

       In this political climate, I’ve read about protestors who insist their freedom includes the right to "impose their fews on others." Sadly, I suspect that’s all they have to offer. On the other hand, they’re entitled; it’s their dew, after all.

      Not all of these will be flagged by a spell-checker, so as you write, ask a friend to look over your work. You have a friend, right?

Bending Phrases

Bending Phrases by Deb Graham

I taught my granddaughter to read. Not long afterwards, we came to A Big Word.

"Honey, do you know what that means?"

She sounded it out. "Flex  ibble. That means all bent out of shape."

I like words. I like their origins, their usage, their colloquial twists, the twists they take with various dialects across America. Region phrases, such as “fair to middlin” or “catty-wompus” delight my ears. Some words baffle me.  I fly often (more than I’d like!) and always puzzle over de-planing at the end of a flight. Never have I  de- bus-ed, de-boat-ed, or de-car-ed.

I’m always on the look-out (listen-out?) for a new way to express a point. I find myself irked at too-often repeated phrases, including A Lot On Her Plate, Out Of The Box, and Take It To The Next Level. They’re rendered meaningless by overuse.

I like the ways English can bend to make a thought clearer. But I admit I keep a running list of abuses, found in print, as if somebody’s editor was asleep at the time. English is flexible, but not that much. Still, they’re good for a smile.

 Here are some of my favorite abuses of words:

In a published novel, a character said she was “full to the gunnels.” Gunwales has a fine history, and the fact that it lost a few letters in pronunciation on the way from England is not the problem. It’s not “gun whales”, either, which I’ve also seen in print. Whales are unarmed. (Hint: if it’s a trite phrase, yet your spellchecker flags it, and you can’t find the word in a dictionary, you might need another’s opinion as to the spelling, instead of making up your own.)

He raced down the hill at breaknet speed. Now, that’s a good idea; if you’re tearing down a hill, get a net.

In a magazine article, a writer alluded to “that trite old phrase, ‘there is no mayonnaise in Ireland.’” It took me several moments to figure out she meant “No man is an island.”

I’ve read about how “gossip spreads like wildflowers.” I like that one; especially if you’re spreading something good somebody did, wildflowers is a lovely image. Wrong, but lovely.

A newspaper article referred to a man who’d won a “pullet surprise.” Was it a chicken dinner?  Oh, wait...Pulitzer prize!

I think “self phone” makes total sense, albeit wrong...many people are totally tuned into self only with the ubiquitous things.

Somebody wrote me a letter telling me they’d been trying to reach me by curtsy call, and unable to do so, had resorted to the letter. A what? A curtsy, like at the end of a stage performance? No; a courtesy call!

In a novel, “two men ran down the street, their cloaks bellowing behind them.”  Can’t say I blame them; if my outerwear began shouting, I’d run, too.

I read a note saying she needed to “reign in her enthusiasm.”  Wonderful—that’s the only way to rule!

A mother admonished her kids to “stay within earshout,” which makes total sense.

  In a report on hurricane recovery, a reporter wrote, “a Katrina survivor said that he’d lived in FEMA trailers, tents, and Kwanzaa huts for the first year after the storm.”  Kwanzaa huts? A whole year of celebrating Kwanzaa? What fun!

In a mystery, the author insisted her character was a “bonnified Scotsman.” I think she meant bona fide, but who am I to argue? Later on, this man with the bonnet became “embroidered in battle.”  Perhaps he did need the bonnet.

I’ve read several instances of “pealing paint,” but mine just sits silently on my walls, never ringing out at all. Sigh.

Did you know the difference between humans and other mammals is “a posable thumb”? It’s a funny image, to think of thumbs, posing like models.

Several times, I’ve read “her eyes shot across the room.”  That’s gotta hurt. Glad my eyes are better anchored than that!

“It’s not my first radio,” insisted a character in a novel. Perhaps this is why I’m more comfortable writing nonfiction; I don’t have to keep track of how many radios one owns, or what that has to do with the character’s ability to solve a mystery.          

   

Somebody insisted her mother was “lack toast and intolerant.” Perhaps she was grouchy because she was hungry. Give the woman some toast, already.

Several times I’ve read in a book this phrase: “a shutter passed through his body.” I don’t care what was happening previously; now we have a death at hand.  “Udder despair” is another common error; the heroine is sad, and suddenly, she’s thinking about the business end of a cow.    Why?

 

“Lawn force meant agencies” are not immune. A police report read a man was charged with “wreckless driving.” I thought that was the goal. The report continued, “...then chaos insured.” Oh, good. Chaos can be expensive to repair.

In a book, a police officer “upholstered his gun.” We all need a hobby, right?

An interview quoted a rock musician as saying his shirt was “from my hippy dipping days.” They don’t like that much.                           

Some bent phrases seem more believable than the intended words. Here are some other good ones:

turn into a new leaf (that would be fun to see)

it’s a doggy-dog world

she balled her eyes out (that’s gonna hurt)

it’s a mute point (oh, good; we didn’t want to hear about it anyway)

Flamingo dancer     (well- trained birds!) 

he’s in intimate danger (another good reason to group date)

two sense worth  

hammy downs  (is this outgrown clothing, or lunch?)

a look of otter confusion

 in the mist of a project (that explains the lack of clarity; a brain-fog)

a fine tooth-comb  ( I brush my teeth, but never comb them)

mid-evil style of dress (can’t you just see it?)

 not aloud to say a word  (shh)

  she let out a grown (like growing pains?)

an outer body experience

I want to speak my peace (but they never do)

for all intensive purposes

Wreaking haddock through the store (hmmm...fish are generally not ill-behaved)

 “His doctor sent him to a specialist, a eurologist.” If he’s sick, geography won’t help)

from the gecko (get-go I understand, but who listens to lizards?)

It was a pigment of the imagination (of course! Imagination should be in full color)

“Whoa is me,” she sighed. (stop, already)

He acted like a bowl in a china shop (pretty inert, if you ask me!)

She’s on maturity leave.

And finally, “Be polite to the wizard, or he’ll wave his hand and your toast.”    Just unhand my breakfast! 

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

by Terri Wagner

My title is courtesy of the classic film Princess Bride a favorite of mine. Lately, I have been doing a crossword puzzle at lunch just to get away from all the drama of first week back to school. And often I keep getting these clues that to me have nothing to do with what I think most people think the word means. It makes me go uhhhhh?! A novice writer is always guilty of using words in a creative fashion that only confuses readers. I took a journalism course in college and I well remember our professor's words...use the word that describes the action, only that word. For example, he would say "he raced through the parking lot," is incorrect. Unless of course the character was actually in a race. Otherwise you need to find the word that truly describes what happened. For example did he run? did he saunter? Did he hop? Did he skip? That tiny piece of insight about using the right word has stuck with me all these years later. When I read he tore through the store, I always laugh and think really and just how did he do that. Seriously using the right word the right way beats using words that sound great but have little basis in reality. Well ok I will concede that a ogre may literally tear through a forest to get to the elf. Fantasy has it's own set of rules.

After this experience in crosswording, I think I would make all new writers have to do that on a daily basis. After all, a picture (of words) is better than a thousand words. In this particular crossword puzzle they like to use clues like aches for ill. Now aches and ill can describe someone who is experiencing an unhealthy situation but aches are very different than ill. I realize crosswords puzzles are hard put to find words that work together, but it's a great experience in learning to be a good wordsmith. And there are true gems in Princess Bride, check out how they used words that are truly amazing in a very inconceivable way (FTR from PB).

Words Matter

 by Deb Graham

 One of my early childhood memories is of my four-year-old self, sitting at the big dining room table, feet dangling, fat pencil clenched in hand. I asked my obnoxious teenaged brother how to spell “orange.” I remember by older sister’s laughter as he smirked, “S,T,U,P,I...” and Mom’s sharp defense.

“If we don’t teach her how important words are, how will she learn?”

Wait. Words are important? How can that be, when I hear people fling them around carelessly? As I grew older – and learned to spell – I realized my mother was right. Words are powerful! Words, either marks on paper or verbal utterings, can be used to wound, to heal, to uplift, to guide, or coerce, to crush, to promise, to cut, to encourage, to soothe, to teach, to lie, to jar, to soften, to win one’s point, to manipulate, to entertain, to witness of the truths of eternity, to damage a weak soul.

Some words are arranged into boring textbooks, best used for treating insomnia. Words arranged into sappy romances and spirited fantasies provide escapism. Words, often accompanied by numbers, tell us what debt we owe to the electric company. Medical charts tell a story, as do report cards, school essays, journals, love letters. Words can touch a sagging soul.

 My dad died some years ago, and I learned many things that awful week, including the comfort that a note or card at a raw time can bring. Within days, sympathy cards arrived, a full shopping bag of them! Some had only signatures, others brief notes from people who knew my dad and wanted to acknowledge his passing. Each one cost the sender less than five minutes to write; each one touched my family’s hearts. Since then, I’m good about sending sympathy cards as needed!

In my father’s generation, handwritten mail was the norm.  In our current society, they’re a rare treat in the mailbox, a tangible sign that you’re not forgotten, that someone took time to wrap thoughts into words onto paper, just for you. I find little note cards to be a surprisingly effective tool for reaching people. Like whispering into the ear of a child having come-apart, they get attention.

 I write notes to people who prepared a particularly good sacrament meeting talk, and little thank you notes for friends who help me in ways they often didn’t even count as valuable. I write to missionaries far from home, to discourage spiders from building webs in their mailboxes. I’m surprised when people tell me how much my two-line note meant to them. We’re all hungry for human connection, evidence that somewhere on the planet, another being remembered our existence.

Certainly, I’m Very Busy– we all are.  Little do they know I wrote that note in yet another waiting room, or as I sat in my car, fuming at another too-long, slow-moving train. Those three minutes are as valuable as any others in my day.

When you think, “Oh, I wonder how she’s doing,” or “Gee, I feel bad about that,” or “It was so nice of them to help,” I urge you to take time to send a card or a scrawled note. In our fast-paced electronic world, where an emoji counts as communication, a handwritten card can mean more than you know. Just think of the bargain price of a postage stamp as a powerful tool for touching a soul, maybe even healing a wound.

What can you do with words today?