Normally I'm a pretty confident person. My life is not perfect. I know it. I've come to terms with the things I cannot change, and I work harder to change what I can.
But for some reason, this last couple of weeks, I've struggled with comparing myself to others. I don't know if this is because I spent the better part of that time with strep throat and the flu, while also caring for my youngest who had strep throat and a staph infection. I do know this means I'm about seven pages behind on my to-do list.
I know part of my problem is that I'm spending too much time on social media. It's hard not to compare your rough draft to someone's final product.
I listen to stories from my writer friends who are cranking out a book or two or three a year, and I'm thinking, "Hey! I think I added 2 pages this month."
Plus, I'm working on a book with my sisters. Each of us has a specific list of things responsibilities for the book. We also have a mountain of other responsibilities in addition to writing this book. As we do our daily/weekly check-ins, I continually struggle with internal dialogue accusing me of not pulling my weight and doing as much, or as well, or as often...well, you get the picture.
Finally, last night around 1:00 a.m., as I was staying up extra late to close the self-perceived gap between me and my sisters, I threw my hands up in the air. I closed my eyes, wishing I could go to bed and get some sleep. But my mind kept saying, "Just a few more minutes. You're almost caught up."
For one brief moment, I remembered a conversation with my husband earlier in the day. We'd been talking about the atonement, but it just as easily related to my desire to 'keep up'. He told me, "What you do is good enough. It doesn't need to be your very best, or 100% all the time. As long as you are trying, that's good enough."
And with that thought, I drug my butt out of my chair, and shuffled to bed.
This morning, without the fog of exhaustion seeping into my thoughts, I see the error of my ways. Why am I comparing myself to someone who isn't living the same life I am? They're not fighting my battles. They don't have the same demands on their time. Yes, there are people who write better, more prolifically, and publish more often than me. I will be there one day. But there is a time and a season for everything. This is not my time or season to be a full-time writer. I am a full-time mother, and a part-time writer. Full-time writing will come in time. I just need to be patient. Comparing myself to others is like opening the front door and welcoming Satan to make himself at home. Nothing good will come of it.