I'm still learning

by Anna Arnett

Today completes the fourth week of my newest status in life. I suppose eventually I’ll be able to think of myself as a widow but for now I still feel just as married as ever. My husband is merely on duty beyond the veil, which was once as far away as overseas. I managed then, so I expect I will now. Copies of Charles’ death certificate finally arrived Monday, and added words to my vocabulary. It said the cause of death was “atherosclerotic and hypertensive cardiovascular disease.” If it could take me as quickly and easily as it did Charles, I won’t worry about hardening of the arteries or high blood pressure. However, if it brings on something like dementia, then I’m wary. Maybe I’ll even try to get in shape.

Last night, at our ANWA chapter meeting, I made more new discoveries. I talked quite a lot, but knew that if I brought up the subject of Charles’ death, the expectation of sympathy would momentarily tear me up, (Woops, since you can’t hear my pronunciation, please know I meant 'cry tears’, instead of ‘rip me apart’.) Now, I don’t mean tears of sadness, but the kind of tears we shed at the pulpit on Fast Sunday. Well, I didn’t bring up the subject, so neither did anybody else. At first that was great. But eventually the idea crossed my mind that nobody knew, or they didn’t care. Of course, once the ice was broken, I got lots of love and support. I suppose my dear sisters were also waiting and wondering what they should or shouldn’t do or say. I’ll ponder about that, and see if I can come up with a great solution, if there is such a thing.

About thirty or forty years ago, while playing around with short, rhyming words and clichés, I wrote the following ditty, that I still find satisfactory, in that it expressed not only what I’ve been taught, but actually feel (well, most of the time). I know, it hardly fits in right here, but I’m sleepy, as usual, and don’t feel like writing a neat transition. But you’re writers. Make up your own. Here’s the rhyme.

HOMESPUN PHILOSOPHY

Experience has given me
Insight to gradually
Spin a philosophy
Which I'll explain.
Since I come from Deity,
Father has love for me,
Angels watch over me,
Growth to sustain.
Then all things that come to me,
Sickness -- vitality,
Failure -- prosperity,
Pleasure or pain,
Come either deservedly,
Through toil, or laxity,
Else they are good for me,
So why complain?

In this world of sin and woe,
It seems where e're we go,
Troubled winds always blow,
Hedging our way.
If that's what we're looking for,
Tragedies by the score,
Crowding forevermore,
Darken our day.
But if we are earnestly
Seeking the praiseworthy,
Speaking up cheerfully,
Sorrows will wane.
If we keep our attitude
Reflecting gratitude,
We'll reach new altitude,
And peace obtain.

So.
Let's like what we have to do,
Gladly, our work pursue,
Pausing oft to review
Strengths in our course;
Converting each stumbling block
Into foundation rock,
With courage meet each knock
Whate'er the source.
Just learning from negative,
Feasting on positive
Is a prerogative
We can employ.
If we use tenacity,
We'll gain capacity,
And the audacity
To embrace joy!