Saturday, August 8, 2009

Four Simple Secrets to Strengthen Marriage

by Cindy R. Williams

A portion of this blog ran in Blogs and Blurbs last week. The author gave me permission to re-blog it due to all the wonderful comments and additional secrets sent to me. A new secret list will have to continue.

I would like to share four secrets to strengthen a marriage with you. They are tried and true simple things to do to create a stronger marriage.

Secret # One: There are no parachutes in a good marriage.
Secret # Two: Put your spouse first.

Secret # Three: Never use the "d" word.
Secret # Four: Never use sex for a tool to punish or reward.
What is a parachute in a marriage? It is your secret escape mechanism you keep just in case your spouse makes you mad, doesn't live up to your expectations, doesn't understand you . . . fill in the blank. It is there for you to use when the going gets tough you put on your parachute and bail out---like an escape clause.
Get rid of it.

How?

Make a promise to each other---a very serious---even sacred promise, that you will not ever strap a parachute to your back and bail out of the marriage. Then as disagreements and disappointments come---and they will come---you can admit that you love each other in spite of these challenges. You will get through this---together.

Issues arise, tempers flare, trust is tested, but if you have made a deep and clear promise that you are in it for the long hall, as in FOREVER, you will find that this attitude of no parachutes will help you get through the tough spots.
I often tell my husband of 23 years in the very middle of a disagreement that I am angry and hurt right now, but I love him and am committed to him forever without a parachute. Since he doesn't have a parachute either, we are truly stuck with each other. So we best love each other, come what may. Not a pretty way of putting it, but it is none the less true, and I wouldn't have it anyother way. The issues don't seem so insurmountable, and it gives us both a feeling of security. That doesn't mean we just let the issue go, but we rededicate ourselves to working it out, fixing it, growing and improving together.

The second secret is to put your spouse first. Easier said than done. There are so many things that take your time and pull at you. Some possible things are work, children, activities, sports, church callings, community responsibilites, PTSA, housework, pets, errands, extended family, friends, neighbors . . . the list goes on and on.


So how do you put your spouse first?

You add them to your prayers, each and everyone. You write their name in your planner to remind yourself to do something to help them each day, or do and say something kind to them. You always, ALWAYS tell them "I love you," with a smile on your face, at least twice a day. Once in person,(if they are not out of town,) and the other can be through a text, email or the phone. Smiling is a critical part of this exercise. Smiling makes not only the recipient feel better, but the giver finds more joy. Smiles create a win/win situation.
Now there is one more thing that is very powerful in putting your spouse first. Gratitude.
Tell your spouse how much you appreciate something he/she did that very day. Even if you are angry with your spouse. You may have to dig deep, but it truly is possible to find at least one thing to thank your sweetheart for. You will be amazed how much peace and feelings of kindness this will create in your marriage.


Secret number three needs to be taken very seriously. If a couple tends to joke about divorce, and take it lightly, it is like strapping on a parachute for when things get tough. It is not funny in any setting. In fact, it is in very poor taste as well as damaging. Don't us it as a threat either. No good will come from that either.
Secret number four is pretty self explanitory. The physical side of love will bring closeness and a rich bond that can not be obtained in any other way. If respected in it's proper place, it will be a great source of strenth to the couple.


Now that you know these four simple, but very powerful secrets to a strong marriage, I must add that there really are a few good reasons in my book to end a marriage. They are adultery, physical or emotional abuse of you or your children, and severe selfishness. I know, I have faced all of those in my short first marriage and chose through much prayer and pondering to divorce and create a new life for myself and my first child. That, however, is a future blog. Suffice it to say that for now that other than these horribly destructive actions, the no parachute ,putting your spouse first, never using the "d" word and not using sex as a tool for punishment or rewards can take marriage to a new, and stronger level.

4 comments:

  1. Well Cindy I'm not married so the advice doesn't seem to fit my life however I do know some people who could use it, ha. So I'll pass it along.

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  2. Thanks for the reminders to put this work in progress first.

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  3. I'm surprised this blog only got two comments, unless others are like me, and just haven't had time to read them. It's so true. I never thought of the parachute visual aid, but I knew I was in for the duration. Even with him gone, he's still important in my life. He taught me (and his Air Force life and two overseas assignments without me enforced) independence -- along with interdependence, if that makes sense.

    It's still a subject that needs reviewing. And overall, it fits not only in marriage, but in other relationships, like our dedication to our Father in Heaven, and our Savior. (Well, all but the last part on sex.) And it fits with family and friends to a lesser degree.

    We're in for the duration. We forgive and forget. We praise and encourage. We try to consider another's opinions right up there along with our own. In the case of deity, above ours. If friends fail us and we can't make amends, we can bail out. And circumstances like moving on and time stress may cover over friendship bonds, but we haven't really bailed out.

    Oh, I could philosophize all night about this. But it's already past bedtime. Thanks for getting my thoughts and feelings so well exercised.

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  4. How interesting, Sarah. Gives me a lot to think about. It's strange how I've gone through life without even trying to analyze such things, but how I love it when somebody else does it for me.

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