Aug 7, 2013

Lawn Gnomes and Other Terrors

By H. Linn Murphy
Our family has a love affair with lawn gnomes. Mostly it's because they terrorize my youngest son. I know. We're warped. We all take great pleasure in moving those little ceramic guys around so B. will think they've moved.

We've even thrown a rope loop around the neck of the most 'active' gnome and knotted it around B's window ledge. You should have seen his face when he saw it. For a long time that little chubby guy in the pointy red hat disappeared. I finally found it in our broken van wrapped up in an old shirt. B. was trying to make sure he didn't get out and make trouble.

I don't know what it is about those kitschy little things that tickles our fancy. It must be the loon in us. There's just something so fun about putting him in wacky situations. In fact, I think we'll do a family night where we take pictures with the gnome all over the city. B., of course, won't want to play. He thinks those things are creepy.

When you really think about it, lawn gnomes are utterly dorky.
Curious Bystander at your school reunion: So, what do you do for a living?
Mr. Crazyman: I make lawn gnomes.
C B: Blink. Blink. Blink. What?
Mr. C: I make completely useless statues of mythical characters for people to adorn their property. I used to be a rocket scientist. Now I am an award-winning plastic moldsman. I also make giant frogs and those little boy fountains with the continence problem.
C B: Clearly putting that high school education to work.
Mr. C: I know, right? Who knew all that Calculus would come in handy?

So now I'm thinking back to all the other weird stuff we have clogging up our abode and its environs. How about a rowboat with one broken oar? How about an ancient playhouse which is more termite trail than house? How about our useless-hulk-car collection? Check out our Christmas lights that haven't come off the house in three years. The girls cleaned their room once and stuck all their crud on the back porch under a tarp. That stuff is probably a foul nest of spiders and rattlesnakes now. Thanks, girls.

One of these days we need to call in those dudes from those house make-over shows. We're trying to refinance our house and I doubt the aforementioned goodies plus the peeling stucco and dry-rotted beams will add favorably to the ambiance. A lovely make-over could be what we need. Especially if we tell them we LOVE castles and have always wanted to live in one.

Clearly we'll need to hide all the lawn gnomes first.


  1. Lawn gnomes! hahaha! I have a sister who loves those plastic lawn flamingos. One of my daughter's is terrified of cats. The rest of the family gives her a hard time about it. Love your post. Thanks for the smile..and the memories! hugs~

  2. I think it would be hilarious to gather all the flamingos we can find (after labeling them for a speedy return) and stick them on one person's lawn for the night.

    We have this neighborhood association from The Hot Place who like to legislate stupid things. Once they came out against garage sale boxes, saying that they would fine people for their boxes. How are they going to prove whose box it is anyway? Merely turn it and the box leads you astray. We were so disgusted that we found all the garage sale boxes we could and artfully arranged them on the Head Whiner's lawn. Fine THAT, Neighborhood Dictator!


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