by Kami Cornwall
Me: I'm sorry, but this love triangle isn't really taking shape. I'm going to have to kill you.
Character: What? You can't do that! I'm everyone's favorite!
Me: Don't flatter yourself. Besides, you're not the main character. She's the only one who cannot die. The rest of you are expendable.
Character: But...but...I can shoot fire from my finger, sending my foe into agonizing pain, and then I absorb his soul. I'm too cool to kill! It would be like killing off Wolverine!
Me: Listen...it's the only way. The main character is too attached to you. The only way to create the tension I need for this story is to remove you from the situation. You have to die.
Character: How is that going to solve the love triangle? Then she'll just go and fall in love with some other guy. Oh no...you already have someone in mind don't you? Please say it isn't that blue brawny guy with the brain of a gnat.
Me: No, it's someone much more important than that. And yes...her relationship with the captain will grow...
Character: The captain? Well, yeah...I guess I should have seen that one coming. So is this going to end up being like Twilight or something, where Edward leaves and Bella falls in love with the guy with a gazillion abs?
Me: Mention Twilight again and I won't bring you back from the dead.
Character: Wait....I come back? How is that possible?
Me: You have lived in this world long enough to know that people can be resurrected from the dead in a variety of ways. Be a good character and I'll make your comeback spectacular.
Character: But I still don't understand why I have to die. I love the main character. I just haven't told her yet.
Me: Exactly why it has to be you. You are going to make the ultimate sacrifice in order to ensure her safety as well as the rest of the group. It's for the better of the whole. None of the others are as selfless as you. Besides...you've always had a bit of a death-wish.
Character: Wha? Well...yeah. Kinda.
Me: I know exactly how we're going to do it too. You're going to have to be the one to take the enchanted gem from the sarcophagus. The woman inside will evaporate into dust and the gem will be unlocked but you will die in her stead. Don't worry, you won't decay or anything.
Character: Gee, thanks. I feel so reassured now. How long do you intend to keep me dead?
Me: I haven't decided yet. Probably until things are going pretty good between the captain and the main character. Just about the time when her heart is ripe for ripping out of her chest.
Character: You are a sick, twisted woman, do you know that?
Me: I'm a writer. Creating conflict and tragedy is all part of the gig. Now get going.